Thursday, 15 May 2014

#PlayInMay Raw: The Fault In Our Stars

Hey y'all!

Today the Axis of Ineptitude wants me to be Raw.  Unfortunately, perhaps, that's exactly what I'm going to be.  I have some stuff to talk about that is deeply personal and I'm not entirely sure as I write this that I will be able to push the Publish button, or that I'll be able to leave it posted if I do.  Also, nail art.

I suppose I should preface this all by saying that I read this book in less than 24 hours.  For me that's not exactly a record or particularly uncommon, but I think it speaks to how compelling the book is.  I am not going to write a review, because there are many places to find reviews and they'll probably be far better than any I could write.  Suffice it to say that it is the story of two teenagers with different forms of cancer, and it is a charming love story above all else.  On that basis alone, you should know whether this is the type of thing you want to read.  As much as I loved this book, I cannot preach it to you because I know better.  I know that not everyone will feel it.

“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.”
-John Green, The Fault In Our Stars

If you're not the reading type, the movie comes out June 6 and I have no idea whether it will be any good.  I'm a book girl and these types of stories tend to speak better to me in novel form, just as sci-fi tends to speak more to me on the screen with all the pretties.  I also wish that I could say that I read this book because the subject matter called to me, or because I have a personal connection to childhood cancer, or had even read anything else by this author.  I can't say any of those things, because the real reason I read it was... well...

I downloaded it out of masochism.

Raw truth:  I live with an anxiety/depression disorder, and part of that is that my brain doesn't always let me feel things when I need to feel them.  Emotionally, I am a bit broken - typically unable to feel things very much past the surface, and occasionally completely overwhelmed by emotions that seemingly come from nowhere.  Of late, my anxiety has been building and I feel like my body needs some kind of emotional release that my brain isn't willing or able to provide right now, so I deliberately read a sad book in hopes that it would make me cry.

"That's the thing about pain; it demands to be felt."

Raw truth:  It did make me cry.  For about 5 minutes.  Not at the end of the book, but somewhere within that last 50 pages, the wall inside me broke and my body shuddered and sighed, and finally my eyes expressed the emotion that my mind had tried to seal up.  I wept for young love, and I wept for unrealized potential, and I wept for the ability to feel things as they come, wave after wave of unbridled sorrow and joy and anger and fear and love.  Then, as suddenly as I started, I stopped.  When my brain realized what my body was doing, it sent the signal to cut it out, and suddenly I found myself cut off from the pain that I needed to feel to release the pressure inside me.

There was a time when I could feel these things to their full extent, and as a result I became a rather bitter, sarcastic little shell of unhappiness.  In an effort to change that, I broke my emotional faucet somehow, so that in repressing my rage and sorrow and fear, I also suppressed my joy and my love, and as such, sometimes the people that I care about suffer by my inability to adequately or completely demonstrate my feelings for them. 

“The world is not a wish-granting factory.”

Raw truth:  When I wanted for silly things as a child, my grandmother used to tell me "You can want in one hand and poop in the other, and see which gets filled first."  As a kid, it just made me giggle.  As an adult, that saying has stuck with me.  When I see the hurt that my separation causes, or hear the hurt in my husband's voice as he responds to my cold reactions, I wish that I could change.  I wish that I could be "normal."  I can work towards fulfilling that desire, the same way I could work towards earning money to buy myself something expensive that I want.  However, the reality is sometimes, you just don't get what you wish for.  For that reality, I can only apologize and offer to keep trying. 

Enough with my own self-aggrandizing ramblings about my demons.  I'm fairly certain a lot of you will just skip past all that to get to the nail art, so here goes.

I created this manicure in tribute to The Fault In Our Stars and its inspiration is drawn from two specific quotes in the book, it's cover art, and the only description of how the main character keeps her nails. 

The Fault In Our Stars nail art

Polishes used:  Accessorize unnamed medium blue, OPI Incognito in Sausalito, China Glaze Liquid Leather, Pure Ice Superstar!, Barry M White nail art pen, Models Own Black nail art pen, Sally Hansen Big Matte top coat.

The Fault In Our Stars nail art

 “Maybe okay will be our always.”

The Fault In Our Stars nail art

“Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.”   

The Fault In Our Stars nail art

Axis of Ineptitude
Looking for the whole list of prompts? They are in text form and image so you can Come Play In May!


  1. I more or less missed the nail art component of this post (although they are awesome as always). I have every sympathy. Although my problem is now the opposite (I feel too much and couldn't read this book or watch the film without being wholly convinced that I have cancer by the end), I spent 15 years numbed by medication so I didn't really have any bad feelings, but couldn't enjoy or really "feel" anything positive either. As horrible as I feel at the moment, I wouldn't go back to the numb place. Have an overly emotional hug from me and a wish that we can all find our way to that middle of the road, happy-ish, non-anxious place that apparently exists somewhere.

  2. Wgeb you said this was the nail art you were doing last night I hadnt a clue what you were on about, but as normal this post had me absolutely gripped. I like to be able to know who the person behind the blog is and I think we did here today. I also have anxiety problems, they suck. The doctor decided to put me on antidepressants which just like Sam had me completely numb and feeling like I was on auto pilot, but having a daughter to look after who had only just been born I decided to stay away from the meds in order to enjoy her in the best way I could. I dont think any person who hasnt had these problems will understand and that my problem with Kevin too. He doesnt understand why I dont want to do some things, and that it will take time to heal. But each day is a new one, and a new opportunity for things to get better.

  3. So I am intrigued to read this book for a number of reasons. Your nail art is fabulous.

  4. I read the Fault In our stars and admit it is a very good book. The tribute nail art looks brilliant. But most of all, about this post, thank you for sharing those raw truths. Admittedly, it is one of the hardest things to do, and you did it. So you should be feeling pretty proud right now ^.^

  5. This is one of the first times I've ever "mostly only looked at the pictures" before commenting. Your nails look fab, but I just finished that book two days ago and I just CAN'T read anything about it because I'm trying to let that little place in my soul that's gone now heal. I'll come back and read it though. I also read the book in under 24 hours! How could you not!!

  6. Hugs! You know that I totally understand what you are going through. Remember you are not alone! I am so proud of you for writing about this! I have felt that when I write about it, I feel a bit better. And I write it for myself not for attention grabbing like I have seen others (not you!), but because it is a form of therapy for me. Love ya! I have this book, but haven't read it yet.


I love reading your comments and reply whenever I have time. Thanks for reading and interacting with me!